Blargh

There are a plethora of topic ideas floating through my head. Amazing vegan recipes I've tried or created, ethno-ornithology "stuff," sustainability and million general thoughts about humans and the state of the world. Of the nature of the time we live in. I often feel so completely disconnected from the humans around me. So caught up in famous people, reality tv and technology. So removed from the natural world.

It doesn't help that I haven't blogged in over a year. Haven't really recorded my thoughts, or researched and blathered about them enough to get them out of my head. I'm not sure why I stopped. Or where the last year and a half went. I got busy. Caught up in life. I needed to sort things out. In my efforts I have become placid. In becoming placid I have stopped researching things that upset me. I haven't quite put my head in the sand, but I certainly have tried to avoid "confrontation." The concern, heart and frustration linger. I cannot pretend to be dispassionate. I still worry about how people live. About nature, wildlife, minorities and the poor. About environmental injustice. I still enjoy research, analysis and debate. Fighting for what I believe in. How do I balance all of this with my gentle, peaceful and centered side? How do I become the peaceful warrior?

Maybe I don't need to be a warrior at all. But I don't know how to care about revolution and change without being a warrior.

Irony

The irony of my life never fails to escape me. Tonight I read that my x believes I have given up on my interest in ethno-ornithology and research. Nothing says she doesn't know or understant me quite like that. I haven't given up on myself or my dreams. I am trying to better define them. To seek the way to better the world for the largest number of beings. To truly make a difference (aren't we all?). I miss blogging. Miss randomly researching things of interest. I miss telling stories about birds. About how we interact with birds. If I get into the M.S. program I've applied to that is exactly what I will be studying.

Why does any of this matter? Why do I care what someone who proved more than once that they just don't get me? I suppose I don't care. I suppose I am irked by the cavalier way she proclaims my days doing research over. Irked by her claiming to pick up the thread where I left off. Irked by her need to catagorize, analyze, process...me, but only in terms of...her. That isn't how it works. I do not only have value in terms of her reflections of me. I do not only succeed in the ways that she mandated that I succeed.

So...the irony of all of this is that I have come to the realization of late that I want to teach at a university or community college. I want to do research, but on my own terms. I don't want to be tied to some university's idea of success or achievement. I don't only want to research what people will fund or ask me to research. The biggest difference I can make is being true to myself. Teaching at a university or community college, pursuing my birding and ethno-ornithological interests and reaching out to public as often and in as many ways as possible. These are the things that I can do. That I can bring to the world. Even if it is just to my small corner of it.